I've been her best friend for four years, as she have been mine.
I'm thinking that I'm too dependent on her friendship. And too attached.
Today, I cried like crazy, when I started thinking of her leaving - she is applying for other schools where she could get better study in music. She is an excellent songwriter, lyricist, pianist, vocalist and guitarist and I love her. But I miss her so much. Already. I know, it sounds cheesy, but she was pretty much my most important friend. Still is, in fact.
I can't imagine not having her around at school. It just scares me how much I love her. (Note when I say love, I don't mean love as in love. I mean as in a love formed from our friendship. Just to clarify, that is.)
She's already prepping for college. College. That's three whole fucking years away. God, I haven't even started thinking about my IB diploma, and she's planning for college. That's great, don't get me wrong, but I also feel like I'm going nowhere with my life.
Anyway. I guess I'm just really emotionally attached to her. We've been through so much together I couldn't stand losing her.
Below are photos of Letitia and I. Yes, I did for once ask someone's permission before posting photos. [removed]
Speaking of college. I don't know what to study.
What I wanted to do for my GCSEs was music, ICT, textiles, design, chemistry and geography. I was denied music, ICT and textiles - my mother didn't think I was talented enough. I sort of regret not arguing further on that. Today I brought the topic up and my mum just said that I'd never be good at music. I'm not sure if that was her way of breaking it to me gently or if she just didn't care.
I want to major in design. Fashion design, to be specific. It's one of my more realistic dreams. But my mother wants me to major in English literature or go to law school.
Okay, rant over.
Went way over my calorie limit today. And it was just getting so well too...I was at 109.5lbs this morning. Net amount was 949 calories. *shudders*
My mood has gotten better at night, but I'm not doing well today in general. A lot of crying...
Would pinching myself count as self harm? I hope not - I'm generally really confused as to what is self harm. Yes, I pinch myself to hurt myself and to feel better, which sounds ironic but really isn't, but it doesn't leave scars so I don't think it's self harm? The red marks go away in a day or two.
Here are photos of me wearing the corset - no makeup and no filter. My mouth is huge and my face is blergh. Photos are essentially the same. As requested by Sammy :)
I'm also going to recommend a movie instead of a song today - Call Me Crazy: A Five Film. Ruby wrote a post on it and I watched the movie, it was beautifully executed.
Sammy: Possibly my diet, yup.
Hey, but you still look thinner than I do. Y'all all look thinner! Hell, I even look fat with the goddamn corset because my face is blergh. I'm not sure if it's baby fat or just...regular fat I guess?
I may consume less calories but I don't lose weight as quickly *le sigh*
Slumping is really common here, most of my classmates slump and I have to try really hard to sit straight so it's fine XD probably because our generation uses the internet a lot and we sit too much.
Aaaaaand...here you go!
Kay: Thanks, I'll check my local pharmacy to see if they stock that :D
Holy shit it is expensive though O_O that's a week of my allowance money.
Thanks!
Have a great day everyone :) stay sane
Love,
Christie
hi christieeeee
ReplyDeletehaven't been replying as homework is so hard :\
woww, your friend Letitia is really beautiful and i hope you two will stay in touch forever, and i hope you'll do well in your gsce
you look really sexy, when i say sexy i mean it, in the corset picture, you look really good
i pinch myself too, on my chin and my the root of my thumb where the skin gets thicker, i usually fold them together and squish them around lol
imma end it today with a song by Mariah Carey, have i told you i'm also a huge fan of hers? her new album is extraordinarily great, you should check that and her out, anyways the song is called Camouflage, it's really sad and beautiful.
Stay Phillistically Awesome :)
Phil
You are too pretty for words, Christie.
ReplyDeleteMy parents dictated my schooling. I wanted to study languages, but they decided that I would be a lawyer and applied for upper secondary (16-19 years) in Social Studies in my name, expecting me to go to law school after that. I didn't go to law school, but went directly to work (at a library) because I didn't want to be a goddamn lawyer.
I have regretted that I didn't stand up for myself for more years than you have been alive. You are such a talented seamstress and have an excellent eye for fashion, so I hope that you fight your way to fashion school. I believe in you!
i think we are all too attached to people. i've learned how to push people away but not to the point where i'm not experiencing them. i don't hold people too close because people disappear, but new ones take their place all the time. i always have friends, and that is the most important thing for me.
ReplyDeleteIB diploma. ew. gross. absolutely absolutely gross. i hated the IB system. i wanted to burn it to the ground. i still got my certificate but just about barely.
you both look absolutely darling!
i wish i was more Asian. le sigh. dreams.
i wanted to do law so much. oh my gosh.
i was allowed to pick what i want and i went with medicine. my parents fully supported this. they found it a very reasonable profession (of course. it's medicine god dammit).
i'm sad to know you've been crying.
however, 109.5. i am so, so jealous. i genuinely am. sad.
i love it! you look so pretty in your corset.
i might wear one. might make myself look thinner too. ah, corsets.
i look thinner than no-one. trust me on this. i have such an average body. everyone would describe me as "not too fat" but at the same time "not too thin." i am just just too average when it comes to my body. sad.
i slump quite a bit, as well as when i walk. i think people notice it the most when i walk and whatnot.
-Sam Lupin
Aw, you look gorgeous. I'm sorry to hear your best friend's moving schools. Will she still live nearby at least? It's hard losing friends at school though. I changed schools so many times due to bullying and other issues, and it's hard not having your best friends around anymore.
ReplyDeleteCould you do fashion design as well as something like literature or law? I think it's always good to work towards an academic qualification as a backup for the creative ones (for me it's computer tech because it comes naturally to me).
I don't think pinching yourself counts as self harm (if you're digging your nails in until you bleed, it might be a different story). It's like how they recommend flicking rubber bands against your wrist as an alternative.
Wikipedia says self harm "is defined as the intentional, direct injuring of body tissue", and the DSM is similarly worded. It is literally the act of injuring your self. I hope that helps clear it up a little.
<3
xx