I break promises all the time. The ones I make to myself.
I said that I would fast.
Sorry.
I was doing so well today - I didn't eat anything, I sang well (good enough for myself at least, although I could have done without the shaky legs), and my speech was good, or so my teacher said.
But then when I got home I started feeling faint-ish. And tired and dizzy.
My dad made me eat. Half a rice dumpling (zongzi) - 138cals, 19.5g carbs, 5g fat and 0g sugar.
I really needed the energy. I guess I've stayed up for too many nights.
But I hate the guilty feeling I have after eating.
Especially when I promised myself that I would fast today.
I think I've slipped into depressed mode again.
I'm weak and stupid. I know that I could have made it through the day without eating.
Shouldn't have given in so easily.
I lost weight - 111lbs. Not much of a change.
I may fast tomorrow - I dare not make another promise. I fear that I will break it. Again.
Today when I finished my IGCSE speech on EDs, my teacher congratulated me for having done a lot of research. I had to hold back my giggles.
I did the ice bath thing again. It probably doesn't work but I wanted to do it anyway to soothe my mind.
I've also been visiting too much tumblr. It's depressing, but it feels like someone else understands me. I've been having more and more urges to cut. To make matters worse (or better) I have a razor next to my bed.
Just in case.
God, I even sound like tumblr.
Comment reply:
Sam: Darren's voice is beautiful, I prefer his voice without the Warblers.
I'd like to know too. Although I do eat. Less.
If, one day, I learn to make more than toast and we happen to meet...sure :)
I'm obsessing over anything to do with my body. It's slightly unhealthy I think. But do I really care? I think not.
Yeah, I don't think it works either.
I'll try not to. No promises though.
The teacher thing went okay. My teacher wants me to write him a diet plan and exercise plan (which of course I would make up because he would send me to the counselor if I told him the truth)
Chandler seems cute. I think it's 3x18? I'm pretty sure I stopped watching Glee after 3x17 with a few exceptions (the Cory tribute episode and the 2 anniversary episodes) although I still try to keep up with what's going on.
Cool. I'm taking a French IGCSE course (more like struggling through it). It's amazing how you can come up with all this and make it sound cool and stuff. Hannibal sounds violent...or funny.
Thinspiration:
Love,
Christie :(
you are not weak neither are you stupid for eating! that's absurd. you ate half of a dumpling. you barely had anything really, sweetheart. and your father had forced you to eat that may i remind you. you did not break anything. your circumstances weren't favourable but that's all there is to it really.
ReplyDeletedon't cut. please don't. it would honestly destroy me. you shouldn't ever start, because if you start, you won't stop. these habits are addictive. i'm no cutter but any cutter will tell you this. the urge will pass, but addictions are hard to break out of.
get rid of your razor if it makes it better for the urge to pass. don't ever cut or start cutting, honey.
tehehe. toast is fun. and Darren is...omg.
Glee got very shitty after Season 3 truth be told. the Cory tribute tore my heart.
French is a beautiful language. i had a beautiful tutor that taught me through the basics. i still remember quite a bit of them.
Hannibal is definitely violent i'd tell you that.
awwwwww i'm sorry about how bad you feel today. i'm hoping you feel better soon. just remember - to me, you've just about barely eaten.
-Sam Lupin