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| Chess Chocolate, probably the most famous Angelic Pretty chocolate print, in all four shades |
I'm on yet another chocolate mono. I had 200g of chocolate M&Ms today and a 250ml box of chocolate milk. It was horrible, I felt horrible and my tongue was sore, but I like chocolate. I was planning to do a Nutella mono but I'm leaving it for Thursday. Oh, and my weight this morning is a horrifying 117.
I'm staying off all my roleplays but one for now and it sounds like favoritism but it really isn't. I've lost my "Tina" personality, a happy character who's always smiling and happy. Does that sound really weird? I'm not sad all the time but it feels like I'm not feeling anything. Not exactly numbed either...the feelings are very faint. I think the strongest I've felt was anger, and that would be this evening because my mum made a stupid racist remark towards African Americans. Both my brother and I were pissed about it.
I'm staying off all my roleplays but one for now and it sounds like favoritism but it really isn't. I've lost my "Tina" personality, a happy character who's always smiling and happy. Does that sound really weird? I'm not sad all the time but it feels like I'm not feeling anything. Not exactly numbed either...the feelings are very faint. I think the strongest I've felt was anger, and that would be this evening because my mum made a stupid racist remark towards African Americans. Both my brother and I were pissed about it.
Song quote appreciation of the day: "I'm worst at what I do best" - Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana.
Comment replies:
Bella:
That's a wonderful description of it :) Little Red is my second favorite fairytale character after Alice.
Yep, I know, but I keep doubting myself. Some days I'm fine with telling my weight and other times it takes me some courage to post it here, but I want to. Thanks :)
Lee:
Aw, honey, you're so sweet. I know, this community is probably the most accepting one I've been in, but well, I dunno, I get insecure and stuff. I've been told that I have the freedom to write what I want on my blog but sometimes I worry about people being disappointed in me.
Ruby:
Thanks Ruby. The angle of the camera makes me look smaller :P
I understand, and thanks for your support.
Sammy:
Not much meat in Chinese New Year to be honest :P well, there is a tradition of having candy in every household so your year would be a sweet one. Why are you a fake Asian? I'm confused.
I can't :( I always gain on 900. 800 even sometimes. It's fine, I think I'm used to it. My grandmother's bathroom is a familiar place by now. You cannot cry anymore? I'm sorry - that must be really horrible. Maybe you can let your feelings out through writing instead?
Ugh, I hate when that happens to me in yoga though. That's a horrible nightmare to have. I dread sleep every night now :( although I know I need it. My brother told me that I was yelling last night in my sleep but it was incoherent.
That's so nice of you, Sam, but I won't get too thin - not anytime soon and probably not ever, given my yo-yo dieting. I reached 105lbs? I don't remember that - I thought my LW was 106 :o
Comment reply to your comment reply:
They weren't? They seem sort of melancholy.
You are very deserving of care. You really are, Sammy. We care, because we love you and we're worried for you.
I'm probably wrong. I tend to get things wrong.
Hope you guys are all doing okay.
Love,
Christie
oh, i thought it's because it seems that you live off chocolate monos.
ReplyDeletechocolate. nice to eat. nice to taste. nice to dress in also. i have a 200 gram jar of Nutella i am going to mono on soon. i'm just going to do my last not-so-mono pizza 'mono' (i.e. i drink tea also. like rich milky sugary tea).
i'm feeling that numb feeling also. then someone told me i looked happier than usual then i got pissed. i snap back into anger just like that. if someone just slightly displeases me, i am very likely to get pissed.
i'm depressed. i thought CNY would have more meat in it and less candy. come on, son.
i'm a fake Asian because i am technically Asian, but very few thinks of Middle Easterns as Asians (we are. the Middle East is in Asia guys). even people here. my sister always complains about how jealous she is of Asians and i'm just like '...uh. we are Asians, man.'
it's not the same. it really isn't. crying is so relieving and i can't get the relief of it so easily anymore. i used to cry like clockwork but now, it's far more difficult.
800 calorie gain. i'm just raising an eyebrow here.
i know the feeling of dreading sleep. i'm very glad my nights are nowadays dreamless.
i think you were. either way 105-106...far too thin in my opinion.
"They weren't? They seem sort of melancholy." oh no. they weren't. not to me at least.
i know - to you guys... you are such kind, sweet individuals. but i promise i'm not worth it at the moment. i think so lowly of myself at the moment. it's like they've rearranged my carbon atoms and turned me from diamond allotrope to a lead one in seconds.
-Sam Lupin