The Good:
1. It was my birthday on Sunday and the food at dinner was nice.
2. I watched Rent twice over the last four days.
3. I received a very nice birthday gift from my best friend Letitia darling.
4. I'm nearly done with university workshops.
5. I saw Letitia today and we hung out and it was awesome.
6. I had fun at a convention yesterday with some friends. And I got interviewed for someone's school project.
The Bad:
1. I weigh 120 pounds right now.
2. Lunch on my birthday was a disaster and mum yelled at me.
3. I don't like birthdays or growing older.
4. The damned university workshop. It's like school but it's a million times worse.
5. I had a dream of graduation last night and it was a million times more sadder than my actual graduation but it had so much more interaction and all that I wished it was what I had experienced at graduation.
6. I feel like my parents don't trust me and everyone in my family hates me besides my brother but I can't trust him with anything because he's just a kid and he thinks I'm normal.
The Ugly:
1. I remembered someone I hurt unintentionally a few months back when I was showering and I punched the walls until my knuckles hurt.
2. I woke up really sad and I cut and it sucks because I was three days clean yesterday.
3. I realized that graduation was my last time to see Letitia and two other of my friends wearing their school uniforms because they're transferring next year.
4. I realized that I've wasted so much time at school and I should have been nicer to some of my teachers.
5. I'm so scared that I might not live past the next two years.
6. I feel like I'm overreacting but I also want to see my psych but what if she thinks I'm overreacting and just needy for attention?
7. I feel like I get sadder at night and especially when I'm alone because there's nothing to distract me. And that's why it takes me ages to fall asleep now and I just hate it.
8. I hate myself and I feel like I'm overreacting and asking for attention but I look into the mirror and I remember why I hate myself.
I don't want to sound like emo poetry but the only way to describe how I feel when I can't sleep is like clouds in my head. Like the rain clouds in the sky are in my head except for they're horrible thoughts and stuff and I just worry about grades and friends and family and everything basically. And they make my head hurt. And I feel like my head might explode. I talk to my doll sometimes and that helps. I know it's a really childish thing but I dunno, I just feel like it helps and she stops me from cutting sometimes.
I hope everyone is doing well and I'll go check everyone's blogs tomorrow. Sorry for disappearing, and I try not to concentrate on the negative too much.
Love,
Christie
Happy belated birthday!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to read that you are feeling so low. You deserve to be happy and I hope that the clouds will lift soon. You are truly lovely, Christie, remember that.
the good:
ReplyDelete1. happy belated birthday beautiful
2. this made me smile.
3. i'm glad you got a beautiful birthday gift. you are special and deserve it.
4. :)
5. i'm glad you had a good time.
6. oh! interesting. someone's been a busy bee, haven't they?!
the bad:
1. 120 isn't that bad. actually, it's not bad at all. i changed my UGW to 121 so...
2. :( i'm so sorry that your mum yelled at her.
3. i love birthdays. not so much getting older but oh do i love birthdays.
4. but you're nearly done with it. it'll be okay.
5. dreams are just dreams. i think if you treat them like more than they are, they really can haunt you. i have very terrible dreams that make me cry and scare the hell out of me. really.
6. trust maybe not but they don't hate you at all. i promise you. they're your family. you shouldn't trust siblings with things usually until they're older and understand how serious things could be. but your family doesn't hate you. i promise you. it feels that way sometimes but not really. especially us - our Asian families. mothers are typically always controlling and/or very strict, and very few of them actually are open-minded. they're also usually stubborn and i find this is true with most Asian families no matter which part of Asia they come from.
the ugly:
1. unintentional. unintentional. read that again. you did not mean to hurt them. please... take care of yourself.
2. sweetie. :( i'm so sorry to know how low you are and that your cutting has already spiraled a bit. i really just wish that you hadn't started. i really do.
3. you'll make new friends and new memories. you might not like change, but like i said - sometimes, it's always easy to somehow like something about change because change will happen. hating change will put you into such a terrible state in your life. because like i said - it's inevitable. <3
4. learn from it and do better next time. you're still young and growing. you've still gots so much to learn.
5. take care of yourself, sweetie. stop hurting your body - eat better, don't harm your body in any way (self-harm in your case). this shouldn't be a fear of a girl your age!!!
6. no. no. no. see your psych. talk to her. get help. you need it before it gets worse. <3
7. i know what you're talking about. so sorry. i normally try to avoid this by only going to bed when i'm genuinely, genuinely exhausted so i just fall asleep straight away.
8. you mustn't hate yourself. you are an astounding individual. i wish you could see all the good things in you.
so so sorry you're feeling so low. i hope you feel better soon.
-Sam Lupin
comment:
ReplyDelete"You don't suck at anything and I love reading your posts." oh, is this because i tag my posts as sucky? oh, sweetie. it's just a joke. don't worry so much about it ^_^
nigra refers to black. which sounds like i'm making fun of black people. even when i'm not.
Ben and Jerry's is perfect. i love it. i want to be in a Ben and Jerry's. like legit in the carton. just there. forever. i didn't decide which carton i'd be in though...yet.
i'm one of those people that are addicted to their phones. shhh.
there is a blueberry cheesecake ice-cream that Ben and Jerry's did but it was a limited type.
i want all four of my pints too. :P
"Hey you should enjoy yourself after Eid. It's fine :)" i gained weight omg
-Sam Lupin