*insert trigger warning*
I have something to confess and it's really stupid and I hope none of you get mad at me for this, please.
I hope no one from my real life reads this
too.
I've been cutting for a few months. On my hips where my undergarments cover, so my mum won't accidentally see my cuts when we do yoga and stuff. I'm trying to abstain from it and I know it's not healthy and blah. And impulse control, because most of the time when I cut it's a very impulsive thing. But the endorphin rush (I think I read somewhere that the feeling is endorphin or something?) is really relaxing. I don't do it every day/night, it's mostly just when I'm upset which has been getting more often lately, I find myself just sad a lot of times.
I'm graduating on Saturday. It's not my real high school graduation, just a graduation ceremony for my IGCSEs. I still don't know how I did though because the results come out in August. But I have my report card today and the comments from teachers were not too bad- mostly mediocre. I got this Outstanding Character award thing. My parents were quite pleased with it. Methinks my teacher is trying to make fun of me being unable to fit in. Besides, it's a meaningless award, everyone knows that. (the four shit awards - outstanding character, friendship, most improved and responsible helper)
I cut last night because I had a fight with my mum. About- you guessed it- my appearance. She refuses to let me wear twintails (two ponytails, that is) to my graduation because I'm a "grown up girl". It just makes me really confused because some of my classmates admire that I dress how I want (when my parents aren't aware sometimes I change clothing after I leave home) and I like wearing what I want and acting like how I do (somehow my personality and quirks make me unable to fit in too) but sometimes I just want to be able to be part of everyone. And not stick out like a sore thumb. I dunno, it's all quite confusing. I'm not sure if that made sense either, sorry if it didn't. And it's quite a petty thing to cut over, you'd think but I am really sick of my mother pushing me to be what she wants me to be (the popular, pretty and smart teen). I just feel like I can't make her love me and I don't want to give up myself for it.
I'm weighing at 115lbs this morning. That's two pounds off from yesterday but I don't know if my scale is playing tricks on me and getting my hopes up. I dunno.
God, this post is depressing. I'm sorry.
Comment replies:
Sammy:
Maybe start slow, a chapter a day? I mean,
it also depends on how long the chapters are...take it at a slower pace to
absorb the information and I hope it goes well for you love!
Ah, that's not too bad then, dear. Mine is around 21? But it used to be lower. I don't really know about frame, though.
Ah, that's not too bad then, dear. Mine is around 21? But it used to be lower. I don't really know about frame, though.
I'll talk to the psych about it, but I don't know how long it will be until I see her next - either in the summer or at Christmas. I don't cry when I wake up but sometimes there's just this feeling that I'm sad. And I just want to sleep it off, even though I'm not even sleepy? I don't know, sometimes I'm just sad for no reason. That one breakdown though was absolutely a nightmare.
Aw, have some B&J after you wake up then ^^
Wow, that's awesome. Mars bars are also awesome, I like Snickers too but I don't like the nuts :P Boost bars are the ones with coconut right? I don't like coconut but everything else on your list sounds awesome to me.
White chocolate is the best! I really like the creaminess of it. I'd love trying to mix dark and white chocolate together, I've never done that! (I've made checkered fudge with squares of dark and white chocolate fudge though but it's different)
I love making you smile :D
Love,
Christie
oh, dear. i hope this isn't going to be anything terrible :/
ReplyDeleteoh, sweetie, i hope you're considering stopping. this is a slippery slope. i know far too many people that wish they don't have any cuts on them and that they'd never started cutting because as they grow older and embrace their lives, they started to realise that they didn't want to feel self-conscious of their cuts/if people could see their cuts.
you're strong, my love. you don't need to cut. and you really shouldn't. you're too good for it.
congrats on the graduation. whatever it is for, it's great. aye, awards can be weird, but a lot of unis love to see awards and things so...
there's no chance of reaching a compromise because she's an Asian mother. Gosh, when it comes to Asia, everything is different. people are blunt. they will tell you exactly what they think many of the times, even if it sounds insensitive. i think with us, this is just our culture. as long as we live, our mother will always have that controlling demeanor that many mothers from others countries don't have. it's not a petty thing to cut over, but my love, she won't change. either you mould to it or rebel it. and for me, i love making my mother happy because that invertedly makes me happy. what you do is your choice, but i hope you won't harm yourself because of something that won't matter in a few years' time. you're special. too special for you to be marring your skin.
the post is quite sad, but you're feeling sad so it's alright.
comment reply:
i'd do a chapter a day but i can't make sense of this jargon. at the moment, i'm doing a few lectures a day to help me get to the point where i could sit with a book and understand the neuroanatomy.
ah, let me help you there. large framed people genuinely have a bigger/wider bone structure that takes up a large proportion of their weight. normal framed people have a normal bone structure and small framed people are those people that have a smaller bone structure. many Asians are small framed, but not all. i technically fit into the 'Asian' category since Middle Easterns technically live in Asia.
small framed people... look larger at a weight they should look thin at, have small wrists. if they are very thin, they usually aren't very bony either because of their small body frame. larger framed people like myself...are more on the bonier side even at higher weights. normal framed people are just, eh, normal.
i know. i can tell you that i think it's a huge possibility, especially now that you've been getting sadder more often. and i know how terrible impulsive you can be like when you are full of emotion but you have to promise me not. the moment you make it into a habit, the harder it'll be to break. and i don't want that for you.
i think i'm one of the very few people that refuses to break skin when i am feeling depressed, because i know that this will pass. and when it does pass, you're going to wish you hadn't done it like a lot of people do. problems are temporary. there's always some form of light at the end of the road.
aye. now i grew a few cm (! :( no), and before, my LW would have a BMI of 21,4 and now, my LW will have a BMI of 20,6 when i get there again and i think i can live with that. i'd be smaller too since i have some more muscles (?) somehow. people say i do apparently.
"Aw, have some B&J after you wake up then ^^" none in the house :(
nooo. Boost bars don't have any coconut in them! i love coconuts, but i don't like them in excess amounts.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boost_(chocolate_bar) --> apparently, before, they were coconutty, but now, not so much. they are chocolate, caramel and biscuit centers. chewy and delicious!
if you ever try a Lindor truffle, let me know! they're very rich and creamy. the insides are so indulgent. i feel like i'm on a romantic evening all by myself.
-Sam Lupin
i hope that you're able to pace yourself. i don't want you to ruin your skin. it's lovely as it is. i know you feel slightly guilty but i don't think you should take off this post. it is your decision, however.
ReplyDeleteuni might seem far away in your future, but you blink and you've graduated and you're already in university. it's strange.
i know you are strong enough to start cutting less frequently so i hope that you do. you're such a sweet girl. think of it this way: if it was someone else, you'd want them to stop too. you should treat yourself like you would treat someone else. take care of yourself xxx
comment reply:
"I hope the lectures help! And you can ask your professor, or something, right? I'm not sure how uni works." aye, but the problem is that it's summer. so yeah, professors don't want to answer my questions about what i'm covering in the next two months' time.
"Then, I do think that you're very strong. And sensible, as opposed to impulsive. That's wonderful of you, at least you are smarter, well, than the rest of us at dealing with emotions." thank you. i am very impulsive, but i know where logic stands. i let myself be proud when i didn't breach my skin.
as for muscle and bf%, your body is made up of multiple things - muscle, fat, water. you can't find out body fat percentage from muscle percentage. you can figure out how many pounds of muscle/fat you have on you by your body fat/muscle percentage though. for example, a girl that is 30% fat and is 180lbs (very random example) would have about 54lbs of fat.
i haven't had a Bounty bar in a long time. i have Bounty ice-cream downstairs. i can't wait to try it. the biggest problem with Bounty is how high cal it is because of the coconut :(
good luck. oh my god i cannot wait for you to try a Lindor truffle!
-Sam Lupin
I'm not going to tell you what to do, but if you cut, please be careful. You are too precious to lose.
ReplyDelete