I constantly have to find ways of distracting myself. Because if not then I start thinking really bad and negative things and I work myself up and it's so frustrating and it scares me and I had a breakdown at 2:30 am last night because of that and I'm frankly sick of it but I don't know how to stop. Everything's so stressful and I cry so much these days. And bandages cost a lot when I cut. I'm just still debating whether to ask my parents for an appointment with my psychologist but they will ask why and I don't want to say it. Also my yo-yo dieting has gotten really bad and I'm really trying to lose weight but fuck I eat so much when I'm sad. That is, if I can get my hands on food. And most of the time when I'm sad I'm at home because there's nothing to distract me (unless I'm on the computer) which means I go to my room and cut. It just feels like a rush of thoughts are always going to flow around and around in my head and they're horrible and I only manage to temporarily block them when I'm distracted, doing something else. And I'm so sad, unless I'm with Letitia. Or when my brother and I chat because that makes me happy too. And I hate my new house, it sucks and I miss everything. And I have a doll who is separated from all the other dolls because she's in an asylum and I talk to her to distract me sometimes, her name is Sofia. Oh, and Sammy you're right. Cutting is indeed a slippery slope. And I'm sorry this is a long and repetitive paragraph of word vomit.
Comment replies:
CP: Don't worry, I will be careful.
Sammy: I'll leave the post here.
There's so much talk about uni. My mum, naturally,
hates the uni I want to go to. It's Warwick.
I'm cutting more frequently. Sorry.
But there are still professors in summer at uni, no? Or, you can ask someone you are friends with at uni, maybe.
Ah, if you're impulsive, I am
very impulsive then.
How do I figure out my body fat or body muscle percentage, though?
I don't like bounty bars, I've never had their ice cream though. Sounds cool. Ah, coconut is high calorie? I didn't know that. It's a fruit though, so it isn't that bad right?
Oh, and the Lindor truffles were amazing. Delicious. I like the hazelnut and white chocolate ones.
I have plenty of time tomorrow to comment on everyone's blogs and I'm sorry for poofing again but I didn't have wifi connection - I just moved into my new house a few days ago. Hopefully now I will sleep soon, I dunno. Takes me a few hours sometimes. Hope you're all doing well, love y'all <3
Love,
Christie
as i mentioned before, i really do think these are signs of clinical depression. things being overwhelming even when they shouldn't be, the intense crying, etc.
ReplyDeletedo. don't let this get out of hand. you need someone for this. i hope that you've managed to reduce on the frequency that you're cutting. i hate to see you in so much pain. :/
"I'm really trying to lose weight but fuck I eat so much when I'm sad." also another symptom of depression. and sleeping as well. sleeping irregularly and eating differently is a good tell told symptom. weight changes are too. not necessarily eating less and sleeping more or eating more and sleeping less. it depends on the person. a lot of people gain weight because of depression whilst other lose it.
you are definitely describing to me what is clinical depression. and it's hard to be angry at you for cutting because the thoughts can be so overwhelming. Gosh, i think during these times (as i am going through one myself at the moment), all i could think about is the wrong things i did about 10 years ago that doesn't matter anymore but still somehow does. your thoughts can fuck you over so well sometimes.
it's okay. just calm down, love.
you sound so desperate and desolate. i hope you do make that appointment. there's still a chance that you can turn this around, sweetie. xxx i'm vouching for you.
mum doesn't get to choose what uni you go to though. you do. and by that time, she doesn't have that much of a say in it as she should. the parents are more malleable to your decision when you are older, because this is your career. what you want to do.
i think i've spent half my life with my parents asking me: "are you sure you want to do medicine?"
it's okay. i'm sorry you're cutting more frequently. i can sort of guess. it's very addictive and it's why even when i felt the worst, i never started. because if i start once, it'll be a lifelong addiction. it's hard to warn people about something they've never experienced, that might be addictive but maybe they can have a handle on it. i know one girl that does have a handle on it and only cuts in the most intense situations (so really, she has scars that could be explained by a dog or a cat) but never any other time, but most people are not like this.
aye, there are still professors in uni in the summer. and last time i tried to ask a professor about the upcoming curriculum, they tell me to calm down and enjoy my vacation.
"How do I figure out my body fat or body muscle percentage, though?" i do mine through my scale. it measures those for me. you can do it too. a pharmacy scale usually has all of those.
coconut is very high in saturated fat and fats. it's a ketogenic food too. it's mostly fat, hence why it is high in calories. it is in the regions of avocado, which is also a high calorie fruit due to the higher fat content.
aye, those are my favourite ones too! they're so rich!!!
i hope you do adjust to the new house. unfortunately, change is a must. it's easier to force yourself to be excited for it then to hate it because if you hate it, then everything is difficult.
-Sam Lupin