"Funny when you're dead how people start listening."
I started crying when I sang in the shower. Pathetic.
I can't even undress for my shower without turning my back to the mirror for fear that I'll want to throw up looking at my disgusting self. I don't know what my weight is but I'm a shapeless blob.
I'm debating with my family about my baccalaureate. I want to study chemistry, and my mum said I should consult my family first because she wants me to study business in place of chem. Naturally my family told me to study business because most of them did.
Somehow I always end up crying at family gatherings one way or another. The toilet is so familiar to me now.
I know I suck at everything. I've wanted to kill myself several times over my stupid baccalaureate but then I don't have the courage to do it. I don't think I can get more cowardly than that. Escaping from responsibilities, and then escaping from trying to escape.
I know the quadratic formula, I know the periodic table up to 30, I know the acid test and how every character in All My Sons except Ann told lies to themselves or otherwise. I know a bunch of shitty useless things but I don't know whether I deserve to live.
Miss Smith recently told Letitia that I seemed unwell and unhappy. I told her that I was fine, and at that moment I was. Really. When I'm around Letitia, I'm happy. For most of the time at least. So I technically didn't lie. But otherwise, no, I am not happy. Sometimes I appear that way. I figured that at least I can keep up a reputation even though sometimes it cracks and shards of myself show.
It's funny how only certain people know who I am. Y'all, and Letitia and Karl and Mandy. Other people think that I'm a good student, I'm a bad student, I'm a stupid girl or that I'm unusually perky. Or a combination of some of those.
I'm sorry I'm a miserable person.
Love,
Christie
you are not a shapeless blob.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry you don't like your body very much today. i didn't take showers regularly because of a smiliar reason but now, i am. showers rock. i'm showering more often now.
don't think about that now. you're young. things change as you grow older. focus on surviving tomorrow for now.
it's not worth doing anything over. just forget about it. forget about it for now because it isn't a problem now.
you're not a miserable person.
and i'm sorry that you feel that way right now.
take care of yourself, okay? take care.
-Sam Lupin
"Maybe the store ran out of them so he tried to give her second best?"
ReplyDeleteoh no, darling. the answer lies in the title itself. it is a name. her name.
"Take care sweetie <3"
i am, darling. i am.
-Sam Lupin
You deserve to live, just have to find some inspiration - maybe taking a holiday out off everyone and everything? I hope you'll figure everything out. Good luck with that!
ReplyDeleteIf you want to study chemistry, you should do it. I let my parents dictate my studies and ended up regretting it still.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are neither disgusting or a blob. You are lovely, Christie.
My first thought is; hell yes, do chem. Do what *you* enjoy, not what your family enjoy. You're the one who has to study and work and live it - they've had their own shot.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I don't know what your family dynamic is. I don't know how different cultures effect education decisions. But I do know that it's not worth dying for. You're so very young - and I'm not going to do the cliché spiel here - but you have so much time to learn and follow your passions and do what you really want to. Not everyone ends up in the career they chose to study as a teenager. Your education doesn't necessarily end at 18 or 21 or any set age. Hell, both my older brother and ex-boyfriend were both well into their university degrees before they found the careers they're now settling into.
"I know the quadratic formula, I know the periodic table up to 30, I know the acid test"
I can list five, maybe ten, random chemicals & their symbols from the periodic table. I'm just guessing when it comes to the numbers. I've kept up my math skills since I left school, but I've never even heard of a quadratic formula.
The point is, I'm nearly 22. My highest completed education is year 9 (I was 14/15). If there's hope and time for me to learn and study and one day end up with a career that I like (honestly I'm probably not even qualified to flip burgers atm), there's definitely hope for you too, even if you don't end up in chem right now.
Sweetie, you are smart, gorgeous, and can go anywhere in life you choose. You do deserve to live, and you deserve to live happily.
I know this is long, but I meant every work. Take care lovely Christie <3
xxxx