The good thing is, I've got four lovely flatmates, three of whom I get along v well with. (The other one is a vet student so she's quite busy but we're good). But I can't stick to them forever. And I do have a pal from HK that's on my course, but we hardly hang out (given that I skip all the lectures where I can solely rely on reading handouts.) (yes, I'm already skipping lectures. Well done me)
I try to stay in the kitchen most of the time, so that it's slightly less lonely, there's still some chance of human contact. I am fucking starved of human contact. Which is weird because I hate events that require socializing (see: school "cheese and wine evenings"), although I do participate in pre-drinks (mainly making sure the guests don't absolutely wreck our flat)
But when I'm in my room it gets so fucking lonely. I know I'm repeating that word a lot, sorry. Vocab isn't my strong point, lol. I just feel really shit when there are no distractions? Like, all I can do is either a) sleep or b) write and rewrite food plans. Sometimes not even youtube can distract me (I just fall asleep).
Also, I pull a lot of all nighters because of my shit sleep schedule. I tend to pop out to the gym at 4am. Which is good bc the gym isn't occupied, but again, lonely. And tired all the time, and I think of slitting my wrists a lot recently, which also sucks. Most methods of suicide suck. The school environment has turned me very competitive, which gives me so much more unnecessary stress too, so that isn't helping (though I am keeping- barely- on top of my schoolwork now.)
Speaking of slitting wrists (not rly, this is a shit tangent), I'm like 240 days clean, which is p cool but I'm also terrified that I'll slip up soon because I feel like I'm going a bit cray. My weight is also steadily fluctuating between 130-132lbs and if I don't kick it down to 115 by december I'm not allowed to come back, so I need to take my food plan seriously instead of binging every night on pasta and whatnot. No idea if it's possible to lose 17 pounds in 2 months but I kind of have to. I'm trying to eat more fruit. And salad. A lot of times I can't be arsed to cook which leads to eating ramen, and ice cream.
Why is Ben and Jerry's a thing. It's ruined my entire life. It's so good.
And on that note, I'll sign off for now xo
Love,
Christie
I can't believe your mum put that weight limitation on you. WTF?
ReplyDeleteAnd please, don't cut, wrists or otherwise. Take care.
I wish I had something helpful to say. Loneliness fucking sucks. I'm amazed by all you've achieved and what you're doing, but I'm not surprised you're feeling the strain. The schedule's gotta make it tough to find time to socialize.
ReplyDeleteRe: I actually love doing grommets. I have a Homepro press (like these https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003LVLYCS), which was expensive getting shipped from the US because they're so heavy, but it's so worth it. There's pieces for punching holes others for setting the grommets. Do you have a tapered awl? They're really good for punching holes by hand without tearing the fabric for both grommets and busks, and they're much cheaper than the presses.
Take care <3
xxxx
I hope you have a blast at university. Xx
ReplyDeleteMy mum is crazy too but I know she loves me.
ReplyDelete