Note: this is what I wrote on 1/9 and forgot to post
Lol. Fuck. First day of school was so bad. Guess who had two meltdowns already, started punching the bathroom walls, and then binged when she got home? You guessed it! This bitch. You get a cookie :)
So, yeah. I asked my chem teacher about the stupid report thing and he sort of sorted things out. Hopefully. I think. (he's not allowed to tell me how to do the whole thing, duh, but that's what I was having problems with) I'll be bringing it to my chem tutor as well to see if she can explain it or something. My chem teacher was super nice about it though, he was so patient and kind about it. He's always such a lovely teacher (he's known for being super patient albeit long winded sometimes haha)
Anyway, I still broke down near the end of the discussion? And he was so dumbfounded and I felt so bad afterwards because it totally wasn't his fault, it's because I was just so fucking nervous. Anyway, a teacher found me crying in the toilets afterwards and punching the walls so she kinda got worried (not great because she's the head of year...) but whatever. She doesn't know me that well or teach me so I'm not that bothered about it. And then when my dad came and picked me up he asked how my day was and I started crying again all the way to the mall where he dropped me off and I was still crying. Yeah. Mess. I know I sound like an absolute typical whiney teenager too, sorry :/
I also um binged on really gross food. And I mean really binged. I went 971 cals over my limit. Long story short I ate a can of luncheon meat for lunch :/ and it wasn't really that good.
I also tried to go out and buy steri-strips? They didn't sell them anywhere apparently (not that I can find) so I'll try and order them online, sigh...(I'm getting them just in case. not intending to do anything drastic.) Debating unscrewing a pencil sharpener for the blade because I'm getting really desperate. And it feels weird to say things like this? Just a random note. Because I'm not usually this open to people. But also is it bad to say that, I feel safer saying it online, because y'all can't really stop me? I feel horrible for saying that. Anyway, that's Thursday.
--1/9 over--
Phew. Anyway, I got that mess sorted out, I think. I haven't done the calculations yet which I need to do sometime in the next few days. There's so much work. I've got 5 essays and another lab report today, haha.
I've dropped to 125lbs, which is good, but not great, because I should be at 124, but I binged twice this week. Relapsed - I had to travel two hours just to buy an xacto knife. Did a lot of stupid things in general, I had a breakdown in math (hence the relapse) and someone joked that it's just the second week of school and I'm breaking down again. Lol. I fucking hate it when I get humiliated in front of a class for not being able to solve a problem, it's literally my least favorite thing ever. It's even worse than disappointing a person of authority, which is pretty high on my list.
Mid autumn festival is approaching, which means mooncake season, which means I'm so fucked do you know how many calories is in one of those damned things? 890. That's the traditional kind with 2 yolks, anyway. Which means even when I only have a quarter of it (the traditional way) that's 222.5 calories. I could've spent that on ice cream or something. Maybe I'll opt out of mooncakes this year...not likely though, ha.
Anyway, hoping the next week will be better. I joined like 4 challenges on MPA that hopefully keeps my self control in check.
Right now, I want to be 120 by the end of September, 110 (probably more like 105) by Christmas and 90 by June. I know it's gonna be harder once I get down to the 100s though :/ I did water fast the other day and it went ok, I didn't gain back. But right now I'm not motivated to do a fast...I'm debating on doing it weekly from Friday dinner to Saturday dinner but right before dinner on Saturday I have dance class and it's super intense so that might not be the best idea.
Comment replies
Sammy:
Yeah, the chem project was really something. Our teacher wanted to give us all difficult ones so that the IB would grade us higher.
Ahh feigning sick would be hard though. It's not even my parents, who'd probably count it as stress-induced but still let me off school, but my school counts any day off without a doc's note as "unauthorized leave" which means I'll be marked absent on record :/ teach gave me an extension though.
I just think about suicide a lot. And most times I know it'll get better :) it's just that it's usually what I think of when my brain is blank or something :/
I can be biased, haha. Thanks for thinking I'm light, that's so nice. It's sort of like a dream sometime, to be light?
IB is terribly frightening haha. I'm not surprised your best was in bio ;) I'm surprised you didn't take chem though, I think you'd have been excellent at it :) Art is hell!! I took GCSEs art for 2 months and dropped it, I can't imagine how stressful IB art would'be been. I'm guessing it's very workload-heavy like DT, which is what I take. A couple of girls in my DT class take art and they basically spend every lesson they have doing art unless it was a language class (teachers are stricter). I'm the opposite though, my EE (As of now) is absolute shit but my TOK is pretty good or not bad at least :P
*edit- Eid Mubarak! :)
Anonymous/x:
Herbalife is still pretty big where I live ^.^
And thank you for saying I'm lovable. Australia sounds nice too, I've a cousin and an aunt living there :) god forbid I live with them though. I visited for three weeks a couple years ago *war flashbacks*
Love,
Christie
ReplyDeleteI've probably said it before, but I think anyone who goes through high school and keeps on going is pretty awesome. Both the academic and social side, it's hard, but having left for good at age 15, I truly envy those who stick it out and finish.
Can you find leuko strips? Maybe try searching 'butterfly closure/clip/stitches/bandages', all which are the generic terms. Even ask the staff. Steri-strips (and leukos) are a brand name so it might just be a matter of finding a brand available near you. If you can't find any, I'm happy to pick up a spare box to send.
xxxx
you are not a bitch. i'm so sorry that your first day was this hard. it shouldn't have been :( it's actually made my stomach drop. i hope that you're feeling better now. bring a water bottle with you. i think that helps me when i know that i feel teary. splashing it on your face/having a drink after is relieving to me. it makes me so sad to know that you're struggling so much. :/
ReplyDeletethey should be around. they have to sell them to hospitals, don't they? and i think it should be available but i've no clue as to where. problem with having access to a hospital is i don't know how normal people find these things.
keep on going, love. the urges won't go away easily but if you give into them, it'll be harder to break that cycle, you know. i'm so sorry that you feel like you have to harm yourself like this. :/
you expect too much of yourself and i think you build up so many expectations of yourself that when you fail them, you feel like you aren't worth as much as you really are. but you're worth everything. really. think about it this way: you don't look at anyone and think to them that they're worthless or that they're hopeless or they should harm themselves. people feel that way about you, you know? just because you don't see your worth doesn't mean it doesn't exist. <3
it will always get better. this is the bleakest point of your life this is. high school. and Bella is right. anyone that goes through high school and survives is pretty brilliant.
i am excellent in Chem. i had to take it in uni and it was my highest mark. i tutored Chem for a few people.
good luck with your workload! it never ends, does it? i feel like when you're done with something, the workload multiples instead of reduces! bloody hell!
your Eid Mubarak thing made me absolutely ecstatic! :3
hope i didn't offend you. i can't reread my comment, but i hope i've not made you feel less than you are in any way. this is the last thing you need!
-Sam Lupin