Note: I mean y'all probably know this already but despite the title I don't have depression.
It's just a feeling I have...like I'm wallowing in a sea of sadness and I can't get up. And feel like I'm drowning endlessly. Ugh. I hate making things poetic all of a sudden.
I'm constantly tired as fuck. I fasted yesterday but then binged (800 cals?) I feel gross. I'm going to try and fast every week though. Right now on my scale I weigh 124lbs. I don't think I trust this scale anymore, I'm asking my parents for a digital (I'm using one of the traditional ones where they show it with a needle and you have to tare it every time)
School wise I'm managing (there's still shit I keep pushing back and I feel like I'm taking advantage of nice teachers) and barely clinging on to sanity. My parents keep arguing with me about universities I'm applying to and the personal statement is due tomorrow (it's just a first draft but still)
I'm applying for linguistics, English language and linguistics, or English literature and creative writing. My preference is linguistics but who knows what'll happen?
To be very, absolutely honest? When I first started the IB curriculum a year ago I didn't expect to be around to finish it. I don't know if I would.
A few days ago I wrote a fanfic thing on the bus on my way to school. (Link here but not necessary to read). basically about self harm and it was received fairly well and someone asked me to write a sequel but the thing is I feel really guilty of exploiting my SH because it's a terrible thing...I don't know, I feel bad for doing it as much as I am proud of my writing. I don't know, ugh.
My life is very "ugh" right now in general, really. I get a little crazy because the place I usually buy blades from (Daiso, if anyone knows it, it's a Japanese stationary store of sorts...like a pound shop) doesn't stock them anymore. It's going to take me a 2 hour trip to get an xacto knife anywhere else. Maybe some other time when I'm not too overwhelmed with work. To be fair I do procrastinate quite a bit? Also kinda sucks that I spend so much time on MPA, because I never knew that they had a self harm forum before.
Seeing my psych/therapist person next week. My mum said half a year ago that she'd get me a new one but my dad insists on this one (the university I see her at is close to home and it's not super expensive even though it's still pretty pricey? she charges like 130 USD per session) but I don't trust her so I don't see the point. Honestly I'm just going to leave the session with nothing changed. Oh well.
Replies:
Bella: Ah, I hope I do finish high school. I don't except to, but I hope so.
I ordered some steri-stripes in China, they'll ship in a couple of weeks! I didn't know it was a brand name, haha
Sammy:
Ah well, it was hard because I kinda brought it upon myself. I'm doing a lil better...
I've gone to multiple pharmacies (both the traditional chinese kind and more commercial ones) but none of the places stock them...I've ordered some from the mainland though!
"you expect too much of yourself and i think you build up so many expectations of yourself that when you fail them, you feel like you aren't worth as much as you really are" that's actually probably true. Thank you for being nice <3
Bleakest point of my life is a pretty apt description.
I can see that! You like a lot of chem terminology haha
"good luck with your workload! it never ends, does it? i feel like when you're done with something, the workload multiples instead of reduces! bloody hell!" yeah that's generally how it works unfortunately ;'/
I think I said it correct? As I remember you do celebrate Eid :)
I don't think you could ever offend me :P
Love,
Christie
I hope you stand your ground with university and don't let your parents bully you in to something you don't want. Creative writing would suit you, because you are such a talented writer anyway.
ReplyDeleteRE:
Nope,my bf hasn't really figured out how to adult yet, which is driving me insane. Time to put the man-pants on and grow up!
And yes, that's Baby Jane; she is so deliciously crazy ;)
First, let me say that just because you're not clinically depressed/diagnosed with depression, that doesn't mean you can't feel depressed or episodes of depression.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you managed to track down some steris. I mean, I hope you never need to use them, but I think they're an essential part of a first-aid kit (whether for self harm or general accidents).
xxxx
^Bella is right. just because there is no diagnosis or you aren't clinically depressed doesn't mean that you can't feel depressed/ have episodes of depression. she's so smart, isn't she?
ReplyDelete800kcal is not a binge. just saying. i wouldn't be able to eat that little if i tried.
i hope you get to where you want and ignore your parents because after all, forcing you to do something you don't want to do always backfires, and you need to love what you're doing because generally, you'd be doing it for the rest of your life. it'll effect you and they will get used to it eventually. just make sure that this is what you *really* want. <3
to be honest, i'm sad you feel that way. but i hope you realise that the world is still vast and beautiful and that there is a lot out of this constant hell that you feel like you're in right now. high school is suffocating. i find going to uni is so liberating. it's hard work for me considering my major but i wouldn't have it any other way. i love it. school was death for me.
i write a lot about mental illness as you know and it always helps me cope with it. it actually makes me not want to be like that to be honest. if it helps you, you could write about it, but if it makes you want to do it, you should always abstain from it. it's always related to how you feel about the thing, right? <3
i hope that a new one helps. and i hope that you're able to breathe a bit more. i hate to see that you're struggling so much.
i love you. take care of yourself.
aye and i think you did say it correctly! so sorry for this hectic comment. hope i didn't say anything to offend you. <3
-Sam Lupin
Hey lovely. I just finished reading through your blog and I wanted to let you know, you're not alone. Please take care of yourself and stay safe <3
ReplyDeleteHey girl. In a little worries this *is* depression. Like be really honest with your therapist about everything. X
ReplyDelete^should read : I'm a little worried....
ReplyDelete