I'm about to scream, I swear to god. I spent a good ten hours staring at my computer screen and calculating chem equations in multiple different ways before realizing that I probably fucked up the experiment beyond belief since I wrote out an experiment basing parts of it on sources online without understanding the procedures of said sources (basically I did a hydrolysis of paracetamol pills under reflux with sulphuric acid and then titrated it with NaOH. But I didn't know what the hydrolysis was for. lol. I don't know if saying it in chemistry terms makes it easier to understand but it sure as hell isn't for me)
Anyway, the assignment is due tomorrow and I was supposed to do a 12 page essay/lab report on it. I've got like three pages up to the raw results but it's all futile. I'll try messing with it tomorrow. I don't know if y'all can tell but I am beyond giving a fuck right now about it. Which is bad. I can't "not give a fuck" and half ass my way through senior year it's just not going to work...I don't know.
I've gotten a little further on my extended essay but nowhere where I want it to be/where it needs to be. And I've still got a ton of essays but they're not due tomorrow and they're relatively easy to write since I've got the notes. (English essays = bullshit a lot and you'll be okay)
I had my last day of work yesterday (was a barista for the summer) and I nearly had a panic attack sort of thingy? :/ I took anxiety supplements but I was kinda on edge the whole day and today too. My mum says it's normal bc I'm going back to school (they're unaware that I have a pile of work undone) and my dad thinks it's because my mum puts too much pressure for me to lose weight. A bit of both if I'm honest. I spent the duration at work thinking about cutting so I mean that wasn't great either. I'm so desperate to relapse. Or die. Why not both? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I can relapse and then die from the blood loss. Double the pain! Double the fun!! (sorry, it's not really a thing to joke about. bad sense of humor) I'm getting new blades on Saturday (I can't be bothered to spend two hours traveling just to get x-acto knife blades when I've got a ton of schoolwork even though I feel so much better with blades on me, cutting or not), for now I'll just resort to punching the wall. Knuckles pretty bruised. Sometimes I worry about the joints being weakened when I get old because of how often I bruise them but then I'm like lmao who am I kidding I'm not going to live till I'm that old.
But yeah I've been thinking a lot about suicide and shit. which is stupid because I've always said if I kill myself it'll be because I'm sad and can't stand living anymore, not because I've got duty/obligations that I'm escaping from. I dunno.
I've gone back on MPA, which is where I spend my time now when I procrastinate (less addictive than tumblr). Joined a high school diet group thingy, people are friendly. Found someone there who I've met on tumblr, actually, and we struck up a conversation. I didn't know before but they have a self harm forum which is both a blessing and a curse.
I'm trying to do a 24hr water fast (depends on if my dad notices that I'm skipping meals tomorrow). If I fail then I'll do one on the first day back to school. I went a lil over my cal limit today (I set it at 1000 so that's...kinda embarrassing...) so I hope I don't gain back the pound I lost over the last few days.
Anyway, I'm going back to my stupid essay stuff.
Comment replies:
Niqi: Hi kind stranger whose blog I now follow :) nice to meet you! I have heard that uni is a much better experience and if I do survive IB then I'll be quite excited for it :)
CP: Aw no, fuck! :o I'm so sorry for not checking with you earlier about it :( I will resend one!! it will maybe take a month though. I hope you do get it this time.
Sammy: I'm not light, you should see some of the girls in my classes :P pretty much everyone is lighter than I am. Chinese girls have such a tiny frame that I look huge even though I wear a medium and only occasionally a large.
Yep, I'm in IB and it's probably the scariest thing ever, haha. I so regret not arguing and pleading with my parents so I'd get to do A levels overseas (not that they'd allow it). If you don't mind my curiosity, what'd you get on your IB score? I feel like you'd be really good at TOK, tbh (and sciences but that kinda goes without saying ^^)
Love,
Christabel
i could follow along with the hydrolysis part, and i know generally how this /might/ look like but wow. that's one project that you've chosen there, love.
ReplyDeletewhat i did (which is awful) was that i feigned a stomach ache on the date of a deadline and stayed at home, and then i finished off the rest of my work then. it's awful advice, but really, you need to breathe in and take it one step at a time.
you better not relapse, love! keep on going. one day, you won't ever remember such things. i hope those days are soon. i hate seeing you feeling so glum and swamped under pressure!
as they always said, "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." hold on there, love. it does get better. high school is the worst point of your life (people tell you the opposite, but it really isn't.) it's college afterwards that you begin to find your niche.
1,000 is nothing i'm just saying. i really hope you don't water fast, mostly because a) you don't need to and b) a lot of the weight you lose you regain by eating solids anyway since some of it is food weight, so what's the point?
aye, i get what you mean about girls in your classes, but /i/ think you're light and /i/ think you're biased too.
IB is actually very scary, and my IB score was pathetic. i got a 24 (basically the lowest passable mark for a diploma) but including the EE, it was a 26 since i actually aced my essay (it rlly was very good). and honestly, i'm awful at TOK. my best marks were at Bio HL (i didn't take Chem but how i wish i did now), Business HL, and Arabic HL. i scored low in Art SL, English SL and Maths Methods. actually, i flat out fails Maths and nearly failed Art (i know!). and scored the lowest passable in English. my TOK was a bollocks score, but i can't remember what now.
i wish i'd taken Chem though. i thought taking Art would lower my burden, but Art was too stressful. i feel like a Chem SL would be more managable. still, i'm in med school and i think that IB is still hellish. the system really mucks you up!
-Sam Lupin
Christie first off you are very lovable. Secondly, study hard with the goal of escaping to university. If it can't be England go to Australia. Very different lifestyle, ok universities and good jobs for smart cookies like yourself. Then you will be done with all of this xx
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