Am exhausted at the moment. It's 8pm and I've slept a good 15 hours today.
Since the counseling appt. last week everything has gone downhill and I need to write my feelings down. Everything is overwhelming right now, leaving my room is so hard and I don't know why.
Last Monday I went for my first appointment. It went alright. The counselor told me that suicidal thoughts were a bigger deal than I thought and I need to get myself to a doctor (I have an appointment with my GP this Wednesday so it's okay). Also to try and have a more positive outlook and go out more.
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday were the worst and I don't know why. I didn't leave the flat and I only left my room once to microwave shit in the kitchen. Mostly been living on sandwiches and apple juice. Sleeping 15+ hours, and when I'm not asleep I'm either moping, writing disguistingly sad poetry, catching up on classes I didn't go to or trying to sleep. Trying to sleep also sucks because I have too much space to think and I start thinking about killing myself again. I called my mum at 7am on Wednesday because I can't sleep because I'm so worried about not being able to get a job. She told me I was being silly and she's worried about me being a homosexual but I'm not one (jokes on her) so I need to stop worrying about things.
Wednesday was supposed to be good because I made a friend artwork for her birthday and she was happy and that made me happy for a moment but then everything fell to shit and I had a panic attack.
Friday I went out to dinner with a friend and it's the first time I've left the flat in days and going out took up so much of my energy and I don't fucking know why. It was embarrassing to tell my friend that I was struggling with functioning. But she was nice about it. I caught up on schoolwork a bit and had a proper warm meal with her. The weekend was more moping and being frustrated that I'm not functioning, delibrating about whether I should kill myself to save my folks some money.
My heart feels like it's suffocating and it's not proper anxiety but it's like my heart is claustrophobic and I have a giant blanket of sadness draped over me right now.
I went to counseling today and the lady said that the counseling might be hurting instead of helping me. It gave me a wakeup call that I need to do something but it also made me panic so much more. And I feel so unloveable which is stupid but I read a book (it's called Girl in Pieces, it's about a girl who self harmed) and it just convinced me that the future is bleak. Everything is so overwhelming.
She set me goals that I should a) go to the GP and get a proper diagnosis and b) go out once everyday, outside the building, either for classes or otherwise (but of course try to go to classes because that's what I'm here for). I don't know why things are so overwhelming and why I've un-improved (I don't know the word for it in English).
I guess the only victory is, that I didn't relapse this week.
Comment reply for Bella - honestly I was more afraid she won't let me go back to Edi, but I'm here so that's good. Absolutely agreed on the New Years sentiment and likewise, hopefully the year will be better <3
Love and a giant yawn,
Christie
Darling, have they checked your iron levels?
ReplyDeletePS i am sure you WILL get a job & once you do you will live your own life & you will never look back. I believe in you 100%
ReplyDeleteyou're probably exhausted my love, because you've either a) slept so much, or b) haven't been sleeping so you crashed for 15 hours and then your body is just trying to catch up with everything. please look after yourself, love. <3
ReplyDeleteof course your suicidal thoughts are so important! my love, you need to really be looking after yourself. :( i hate how things have been so hard for you. it really breaks my heart because yoou're such a lovely, amazing person. you deserve so much better than this. it literally breaks me apart to know that you're suffering so much!
i'm reading this and my heart really, really goes out for you. i wish i can say something but i just want to know i am 100% on your team no matter what.
i hope that the job situation somehow resolves itself soon. i really do.
don't let the thoughts get to you, my love. and i want to let you know that the thoughts are wrong. and honestly, money you can get anywhere. you are one of a kind. you are irreplaceable. you have a value above anything else in the world. you are so SO important.
i think, love, you're really going through this really bad phase of depression. and that why you're so tired and it's taking you so much energy to function. i feel like with depression, it's like living in a fog where every limb feels heavy and your head is like cotton. and you should, of course, let someone know that you feel this way. this is no way for you to live, honey. you deserve SO much better than this.
the future isn't always bleak. sometimes, it is. you're going through such a hard time it's going to feel like it's hopeless. but that's what you've got us around. we hope for you when you don't feel any hope. i have full faith in your abilities even when you doubt yourself. you are incredible even when you don't think that you are! xxx
i'm proud that you didn't relapse. in fact, i'm proud of you for so many things. i'm proud of what you've accomplished. even the things that don't feel like accomplishments, they are.
good luck, my love. keep us updated xxx
- Sam Lupin