Academic-wise, I have mocks two days later and I've only revised in bits and pieces. No one is really taking the mocks seriously since our university scores won't be updated. (I'm likely going to pick Manchester and Edinburgh. England was beautiful, btw) Funnily enough I'm not paranoid about chemistry like I usually am, because other things are worse this time.
Last Wednesday, around 2:45pm I think I had a panic attack. What happened seemed to be one but the panicking continued? Not as much physically but throughout that night it was terrifying, and I think part of me was also just sort of shocked about how bad thingss got. And I cut again, it sort of felt like I had a fever because of the adrenaline (?) clashing with the panicky feelings. I've been thinking and I don't know whether I should make an effort to stop - it's like the binging mindset - i've started, so why bother stopping?
Oh, and it was caused (I think) because I realized I remembered nothing about trig. I fucking hate trig but it's kinda funny. Because math is logic, and logic is the opposite of emotion.
Anyway, since Wednesday I've been in this giant cloud of sadness and it feels all kinds of weird and terrible. Sort of like being trapped inside yourself and not being able to get out and people are screaming at you- I don't know if that's makiing sense but thats kinda how I feel.
I keep flicking back and forth between sleeping a ton (11-12 hours) and practically not sleeping at all even when I have school the next day. All the energy drinks I chug don't help either I suppose...
My weight is fluctuating, too. I weighed in this morning at 122.2lbs. I keep binging (while watching parks and rec. show is genius.) and then going on mono diets or fasting and it goes on. I need to make better efforts in losing weight. I read a few days ago in a local HK discussion forum that for my height 105 is the average/standard weight :/ I bought some laxatives in England (as well as a ton of makeup, my mother gave me 100 pounds to spend on stuff) and the lady at the counter told me to be careful with them. Lol.
Oh, and I wrote a poem for a contest that my teacher enrolled me in. It's kind of trashy and cliche but I'll put it here anyway.
Within
me lives a three year old,
With
shining eyes and heart of gold.
Her
sweet smile beams like warm sunshine,
Funny
to think it once was mine.
Within
me is a ten year old,
Her
tongue too sharp and words too bold.
The
screams and scolding one could hear,
Glance
in her eyes, you see her fear.
Within
me the thirteen year old,
Had
too many false stories told.
They
say she’s mad, they’re spreading lies,
One
to another gossip flies.
Within
me the sixteen year old,
Whose
eyes are dead and heart is cold,
Her
demons screaming to be freed,
She
opens skin to breathe and bleed.
I'm getting very tired of school and life and it's absolutely ungrateful of me to say that, I know, but I'm so tired and sometimes I don't even know why I'm crying so much. And so many of my classmates want to kill themselves as much as I do that it seems almost normal. We try to console each other - it's almost over, three months to go - but it's so hard. Existential despair/suicide jokes are the norm now and my dad is greatly disturbed by our generation, lol.
Oh, and I haven't forgotten about the parcels, I keep saying I'm going to send y'all stuff and it's lingering at the back of my mind. As soon as I find time.
Hope y'all are having better times.
Love,
Christie
Comment replies;
CP: Manchester was freezing (around 2 degrees Celsius), although it probably isn't cold at all compared to Scandinavia :P school will work itself out eventually or I will crumble. Remains to be seen :)
Bella: School is nuts, haha. But so am I, so one would wonder why I don't fit in better :P hope your appointments and all are going well, haven't heard from you in a few weeks!
Sammy: chem hopefully went well, I'm not sure, the final grades aren't given yet...I hope it'll be fine, fingers crossed! Biochem is slightly easier when it comes to vitamins and the more environmental stuff so I think I can manage :c
do you know what's triggered it? sometimes, for me it's when i'm feeling overwhelmed. i feel like maybe you need a few days or a week where you do nothing. and then do get ready to face on the world. maybe that'll help if you're feeling overwhelmed. remember. you're still a child. nobody (but your parents and even your teachers to some extent) expect the world from you.
ReplyDeleteyou should always make an effort to stop with any self-destructive happened. why bother? because you are young and this is not how you should ever want your life to progress to. it's taken me forever to stop with behaviours that are hurting me. although i'm slipping a little, the worst day right now is nowhere near as bad as one of my better days before. and that's what keeps me going. you deserve better.
it makes sense, love. you should really talk more to someone about it. even if it's not a professional. at least so it's not just in your head. i hate knowing how hard things are for you right now.
honestly, 105lbs is nothing. 122 isn't much either. honestly. most girls here when they're young are super thin. BMI 16-17 types and then they gain like 40kg all at once. but honestly, they're not me. and i'm not them.
your writing is lovely. i wish one day you'd have something to write about that makes you happy inside.
it really is almost over. you can breathe soon. you can. it's alright.
honestly, you should be thinking about yourself more than you do us! <3 i'm wishing you good luck with all of this. you can do this. 3 months is just 12 weeks. that is my way of putting it. 12 weeks is nothing!
comment reply:
"I'm sorry you're having trouble with eating, love." thank you, love. food issues suck. i'm having more of orthorexic issues and i'm trying to find out what i do want to eat. it's apparently more difficult than i anticipated.
a city? not very big. i can pass by a city and not know i've done it.
"I wear a UK size 10" and if i'm tiny, then you're tiny. ;)
i dislike boxed mac and cheese myself. i'm more for freshly made, or for the kind that comes in a plastic freezer box. it's much better trust me.
"I would hug you if I could, lovely. I can't tell you what to eat, but maybe making some sort of meal plan would be helpful? Either ways, I hope your ED gets better. Take care." thank you, love! unfortunately, meal plans make things worse. i just have to wing it. which i am terrible at doing. cause i've been following a meal plan and that's how the orthorexia got into my head in the first place. but thank you for your kind and loving words <3
- Sam Lupin
How're things going?
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