Really just a mess

I was tempted to add "lol" at the end of the title because I'm used to being somewhat passive-aggressive online.

Things seem like such a mess right now and I know it sounds like an excuse but I have no motivation to do any work. I'll still have to do it sometime though.
I've had such a bad week. Six days really, but who cares? Six days of wasted time where I literally just exist but don't do anything meaningful, all I do is eat and sleep and go on social media and maybe do a bit of schoolwork. Rinse and repeat.
Oh, and I cry a lot. Just moments when I realize that I won't be the daughter that my parents want me to be. I always have the realization in the back of my mind but sometimes there's just a lot of thoughts. And that's always really bad.

Yesterday I cancelled all my classes on impulse. In hindsight it was stupid and a waste of money, bye bye mum's hard earned cash. I sat in a McDonald's with the largest size diet coke and cried. And occasionally doodled, and then sat some more staring into space, for 8 hours.
Breathing felt weird and hard and it sounds ridiculously poetic but it's really not and it just feels like there are too many emotions but a lot of them are just sad.

It's weird because you'd probably expect things to get better since my parents won't allow my cutting (openly anyway) anymore. I still do it every three weeks to a month just when I need a fix.
And after 5 months I'm finally visiting my psychologist on the 21st but I'm frightened to do so, and I don't know why. Probably because my parents will tell her about my self-harm and I really just don't want to fucking deal with it. I still wish I never told mother, never opened my fucking mouth, but it's too late isn't it.

I feel bad for wearing shorts because when I sit down my stretch marks and cellulite and scars show. My mum won't let me wear shorts when I'm out with her because she gets embarrassed. She gets mad a lot these days and she wants me to care more about my appearance. I apparently don't care enough because I'm still fat.

A lot of times life seems just not worth living but it also feels unfair if I kill myself because my brother would be burdened with pleasing my parents. And I wouldn't wish that on anyone. And I know I'm too hard on my parents sometimes, but it's so hard to please them. But goddammit, sometimes I just want to jump off the balcony or fucking slit my wrists.
I also feel a little guilty writing that because one of my acquaintances- classmate, we weren't close but talked sometimes, she killed herself last month, and I don't want to put anyone through what her friends went through. And my dad just tells me that she's stupid for doing it, my dad thinks people who kill themselves are stupid and selfish and I disagree but oh well.

I don't think I've talked about it here, but I like girls. I get really nervous sometimes that I'll accidentally say something about it in front of my parents- my dad thinks gay people are abnormal and mother doesn't like them either. I'm totally okay with everyone else knowing- anyone but my family. Barring my brother of course, he's fine with it. It's just something that's been on my mind a lot lately, I'm worried that they might disown me or something if/when they know. God, I'm just asking for trouble.

I've been having so many nightmares. One time I messaged a friend on Kik right before sleeping and dreamed about getting threats that she will be killed through the same app. Fucking supergirl icon will haunt me forever, that dream was so fucked up. A lot of them involve me dying or my mum yelling at me. I can't even escape my mum's criticisms in my dreams, ironic, no?

This post, like all of my others, is all over the place. Sorry. And this blog is ridiculously self-pitying, yes.

I'll leave y'all with a song - Bullet by Hollywood Undead. Sorry the post is shitty and all.

Love,
Christie