My team lost cheerleading comp this year. I took the loss too hard - I cried a lot. (I mean, I do that most days, but still) It's weird, because I've been cheerleading for 4 years and I've had both losses and wins, but I've never had such a horrible time accepting the loss. I've only got next year left so I better win. Oh, and one of my cheerleading friends asked me whether I've gained weight since September because I "blew up like a balloon". Does wonders for my self-esteem really. (to be fair I have gained like 15 pounds)
Mother darling gave me some anxiety supplements to help with not cutting and the whole idea is ridiculous to me. They did end up useful once though. *Story time* Everyone thought I wasn't in school because my homeroom teacher marked me as absent (I was at cheer practice). A teaching assistant pulled me out of Chinese class when they finally found me, I had to go see the vice principal. She was quite well known for being the scary one. I was shaking when I arrived at her office. She just told me off for not notifying my homeroom teacher for my absence and sent me back to class, but when I left her office I started bawling and I hid in the toilet for 10 minutes or so until another vice principal (we have three) found me and asked me if I was okay. I was alright but I was just so fucking scared. It seems so stupid to cry after I've left but I was just so scared I started freaking out.
It's weird because after I stopped cutting- or rather was forced to stop cutting- I think things got a lot heavier for me, and not just my weight either. There are a lot of nights where I keep thinking things, like hypothetical situations that end up horribly wrong and how much of a failure I am, etc, and I can't sleep till fucking 4 am. Days just seem to get a lot heavier, especially mornings and late nights. I also get nightmares a lot more, no idea how that has relation to anything though.
Good things happening: I went to a buffet today, it was fun (after the buffet was not fun when reality set in, y'all can guess how high my weight would shoot up to tomorrow), I ordered a new corset (I had to save up two months worth of allowance for it), and I got a level 6 on my chemistry exam. (level 7 being the highest, 4 being a pass and 1 being the lowest)
I've got an appointment to see my psychologist on the first Saturday of February. Not looking forward to that. (ugh, for fuck's sake)
Comment replies:
CP: She isn't going about it in a good way. The weight loss thing, well, she's always pestering me about it.
Bella: So far so good, I haven't had anything from McDonalds even though it was pretty tempting.
"Sometimes I want to slap your mum :-/" - be my guest, lol. I know she loves me and all, but still.
Sammy: I'm not small if you see me in person :P
"i hope you are able to stop at some point" - I've stopped. Not self-harming entirely, but I've stopped cutting so it should satisfy mother for the time being. I think my mum's assumed I'm okay so she won't be getting me a new psych. I know it's not an effective long-term coping mechanism, but well...it works now... (okay, that was a weak argument)
I don't know, about the mood disorder stuff.
I thought skipping exams was weird too, that he asked you that. *sighs* I wish I could skip mine :P
Y'all take care of yourselves <3 I love you guys.
Love,
Christie
there's this thing. i don't know if you've heard of it, but it's like... we cry a lot about things that we did not used to because we're really not upset about the loss but really about something else. interesting notion. because i think i find myself crying randomly when i feel fine. but i think i'm fine but i'm probably not in that particular moment.
ReplyDeletetake care of yourself, love.
what? "blew up like a balloon?" Gosh, that's cruel. i hope you're not taking it too hard. honestly, your weight is my current aspirations. i'm at this space where i think 110lbs is too little so your weight is absolutely perfect to me. and i'm the same height as you.
i hope you're feeling better now. that little story kinda of broke my heart. you shouldn't be feeling this way, love.
i think the thing about cutting it's a temporary release or a way of coping. but the thing is - the problems are life-long. that's the problem. i really am glad you stopped cutting. even if you were forced to because it shouldn't be this much of a habit if you get what i mean. it's so easy to lose control of the situation. there's a reason why everyone doesn't cut when they're feeling low. if you get what i mean. i think it breaks my heart when girls later on want to wear shorts or tops but can't because of the scarring on their arms or whatnot from where they used to cut. it really does. nobody should ever feel like they have to be consistently covered or ashamed of themselves because of something they've done years ago that they no longer do.
i'm not sure if i'm making any sense. hopefully, i've not offended you in any way. i just worry about you. you're so lovely. i hate that you are in so much pain.
are you an IB student? a level 6 is brilliant.
"I'm not small if you see me in person :P" i think you're plenty small without me having to see you in person. ;)
i know things are hard now, and they'll get harder maybe. school is awful. but then you're in university and life just looks up. my med school is 3000% better than when i used to go to school. i really love what i'm doing. i really hope you'd get to that point too.
-Sam Lupin
comment reply:
ReplyDelete"I'm sure you don't need that! You can fit a coat perfectly ^^ and oh, your harry potter references, how I love them! Funnily enough, I find white more slimming than black."
i don't really find any clothing slimming unless you really know your body. i have a black dress that makes me look like i'm pregnant but i have a nice white cut dress that makes me look thinner than i am. aye. my clothes are optical illusions it seems.
"What the fuck is cake batter?! Is it like cookie dough?"
... do you by any chance happen to have a Marble slab anywhere near you? it's a really, really sweet ice-cream. that sort of reminds you of frosting on a cake. but in ice-cream form.
(The flapjack looks delectable. Then again, so does Fleur Delacour covered in whipped cream *winks*) i hear ya there.
"S is really small! I wear an M sized lab coat and we're the same height!! But yeah, they're don't do anything for a figure..."
i wonder how Micheal Upton pulls it off.
https://i.ytimg.com/vi/LMJcsqMQv34/hqdefault.jpg
-Sam Lupin
Sorry to hear about the cheerleading comp. I find it kinda bizarre - I don't think we have cheerleading at all in Oz.
ReplyDeleteWhat supplements did your mother give you? I'd be talking to your psychologist about it before taking anything, especially long-term. Your mother is not a doctor and is not qualified to pick and choose medication for you, whether it's prescription or herbal or whatever, and I worry it could do more harm than good.
Take care lovely <3
xxxx
P.S, I actually used to have a cheerleading outfit I made for the gaming cafe I used to practically live at, pom poms and all, and would wear it for our biannual competitions with another gaming cafe. I was literally the only girl. I'll have to find a picture for you.
DeleteQuitting cutting is freaking hard. It's the same as battling a drug addiction. You're one tough cookie, don't forget it.
ReplyDeleteSuper impressed at the chemistry marks. I had to talk my way into a passing grade.
xo