TW: Nothing Lasts Forever

Or at least, the good days don't.

I was perfectly happy content with school up until the last week or so. It was stressful, tiring and took a toll on my mental and physical health (there are days when I feel really dizzy and take a lot of paracetamol to stop headaches) but I was coping with it (coffee and paracetamol) okay. I coped with my best friend not being there, I coped with the workload and the increased difficulties faced in academics.

But the last ten days or so were fucking horrible. I was clean for a week before that and it feels like shit to get so sad and get into bad habits again. It wasn't even that anything has happened to make my mood go downhill. It just went there. I'm so confused.

Right now my head is pounding so badly. It hurts so much but I don't want to cut because I'm running low on bandages and that's a stupid excuse but I don't know when I can get more and I need to be fucking sensible about this. And I keep thinking about killing myself and I don't know if that's just normal because I'm a teenager? If I asked my classmates something like that they'd think I'm a freak (more of one than I already am).

Life update: My weight has been fluctuating really badly. It's painfully hilarious that it's been 4 1/2 years that I've struggled with losing weight but I end up gaining 17 pounds. I don't know what to do about it. I've stopped roleplaying and written some fanfiction instead because fanfiction doesn't give me the pressure roleplaying does. I drink a lot of coffee and a lot of lemonade to keep me awake in class. I can't sleep until it's 1:45 am or later and believe me I've tried sleeping earlier. I try to keep up energy in school and be cheery because I have the worst homeroom teacher ever but I don't want to give him, or any other teachers a bad impression. I miss my best friend but at least I get to talk to her on facebook and stuff and that makes me so very happy. My dad is pissed at me because I used an inappropriate wallpaper for my phone (image here) and my mum still hates how I look (nothings changed). I think I'm wearing out my corset (it's been around a year) so I must be wearing it wrong. I'm taking second language Chinese because I suck at it. I'm going to math and chemistry tutoring classes again from this Saturday on and I'm nervous. I've tried binge watching Drag Race to ease my sadness but it doesn't really work :/

I miss you guys. I hope you all are doing well and I'll catch-up tomorrow during my free lesson (I am so thankful for these. I can sleep or work or whatever in them and pretty much no one gives a fuck anyway).

Here's a nicer picture that I can post without feeling too embarrassed.

Love,
Christie, a weary kid who's trying not to be the emo teenager